And here comes the hesitancy...

So I’m still super excited about going.  My countdown is now 4 months, 2 days.  It still seems so far off that it’s not real, but I know it’s happening.  This is a tricky time of the year for me though, because I am completely obsessed with New York City around the holidays.  I can’t help it.  I know I was raised here, and have seen this nonsense 100 times over again, but I love it.  I love the expressions on people’s faces when they see the tree at Rockefeller Center.  I love the lights, I love the window displays, I love the music.  New York at Christmas is a magical place. Even with the tourists and lines 2 blocks long to eat brunch at Serendipity.  I know I’m only going away for a few months, but I think it’s the not knowing what comes after that that’s freaking me out a little.  When I realize that I’m giving up my apartment (god how I love this apartment), and not going to see little Foxy for the whole time (which sickens me so much I actually can’t think about it), I start to have some doubts.  But I know it’s the right thing for me to do.
 
I started reading “The Lost Girls” today, and I learned something pretty interesting.  Apparently the time period from 28-30 is called Saturn Return - the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart, which marks the end of youth and start of adulthood. And it brings with it monumental endings and new beginnings.  Weird that this is the time I chose to take this trip.  I think it’s just that, well…I need a change.  Things were great and new and exciting in college.  And then I graduated, and started working, and things got monotonous pretty fast.  And I tried to do new things - attempted grad school (fail), dance classes (quit), yoga (haven’t gone in months), etc; and nothing seems to be filling the void.  I know that a big part of it does have to do with my love life, because professionally things are fine.  I went from being in one relationship to the next for YEARS- I think from the age of 16 to 26 I was single a total of like, 3 weeks. And all of a sudden, everything changed and I haven't really figured out what I've wanted since then.  I don’t know if it’s been that I haven’t met the right people or I’ve found an excuse for it not to be right every time - but whatever it is, it hasn’t been right.  I haven’t wanted to let someone into my life again the way that I did before.  I want to feel differently about this, and I’m hoping that being away will shed new light on things for me.  Or at least, being away for a while, I won’t care because - I’ll be in South America!  I’m excited to read “The Lost Girls”; I’m going on a short 5 day trip to Guatemala on Friday, and I’m looking forward to reading it on the plane.  I think it’s going to erase any insecurities I’m having about it - like, hey, you’re throwing away a perfectly good job and your life savings to go glacier hiking and see a few monkeys.  But they did it, and so many people do it, and they come back with a new look at life.  I’d like to come back and maybe have an idea of how I want to spend the rest of my life - what I want to be doing, where I want to be living - all the ‘important’ stuff.